I don't know why but lately I've been feeling really depressed, lethargic and melancholic. I want to quit my job. I want to sell my car and make all of my debt go away. I want to just live at home for another year and do nothing. I realise now I jumped into a job too quickly. I didn't wait long enough after high school before taking on 37-50 weeks and I'm suffering. I'm burnt out. The last 6 months of my life has been a complete fucking mess. I've fallen in love, been rejected, been hurt, been stressed at work, been stressed at home, distanced myself from friends and even ended a few 'friendships', given up on goals I once had, lacked motivation and now all of this seems to just compile itself onto me only adding to the burden of my current financial and social situation. I just wish it would all disappear but I know it won't. I'll need to work hard in the next few months so that I can just say a big fuck you to everything and confine myself to my bedroom where I can spaz out on music, anime and do my assignments for TESOL, and see my friends here and there.
I sometimes think I'm too nice for my own good. I give give give but when it rarely gets reciprocated I get upset. I get hurt. I become sombre and mosey around feeling sorry for myself like I do right now. Sometimes it even affects my friendships, I'll lash out when I shouldn't and take out my frustrations and anger on someone who doesn't deserve it. It's happened before and it's going to happen again... I just can't help it. People must think.. gee what an asshole. One day he's helping me with my problems and the next he's blaming me for his. I can't help but sense that the direction I'm taking is an unhealthy one. I spoke for 4 hours today with a good friend about some things that have been on my mind. It was great to vent and release everything to someone who was without bias. He gave me the best insight into my self destruction and emotional suicide than anyone I know. I suppose it's time I made some changes to how I deal with things and what I take on from others.
I have one year left in this mess, one year bereft of freedom and independace and I can't fucking wait. I'm so unsure of what lay in the future for me that it's frightening. At least I always know I'll have DA as my home so that if I need to vent anything, even if someone does or does not read it, the front page of my profile will read my problems. The silent watchers that are interested in me for some strange and deluded reason will read my problems. The profound words that I slather across this journal will forever be here and remind me again and again... just look at all the shit you've made it through. Look at the mountains you've climbed. Look at the friends you have made and lost. Look at the words you have strung together and called a poem. Look back remember but also forget. Move forward and let go with your heart. And maybe when I find someone who loves me just as much as I love them, I can be truly happy with who I am, truly feel appreciated as a person, truly feel humble with my life, truly be satisfied that I am a good person, at least enough that one person on this whole planet loves me for me. I feel like I need this person sooner rather than later but really isn't that always the case? I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't rush this, and that I can't invest all of my emotions into one person as soon as I meet them. I've done it twice before and it's killing me. It's time to grow up, take a step back and enjoy the life I have while I have it, and when I finally do come across the one person that can truly open my heart and know me better than anyone else I can be at ease. I can be content. As it is... I'm going to have to change.
But it's always easier said than done. I just feel at the moment that no one truly knows me for who I really am. No one can read me, and no one cares about me when I'm feeling the worst. I don't know if it's because I'm so closed up that people just can't see, or if the few people who do understand me well can't see that deep in, or they just don't care or are dealing with their own problems. Now, however, as I'm writing this here, even though I've have spoken to today with pretty much my only friends, I still feel like I'm the lonliest person on the planet screaming for someone to listen to what I have to say, but I think even if I do talk about it I'll still get that stabbing feeling, that real pain, in my stomach every time I think about my life, what's happened, what's happening and the path I've chosen to walk. Fuck it I just want it all to end.